the art of surviving an elevator ride

Elevators are great. One of man's wonderful genius inventions. I appreciate how it can assist us lazy, handicapped, or heavy-loaded humans and relieve us of the dreaded hike up or down the stairs. I do not, however, appreciate elevator etiquette. An elevator ride that used to take just a few moments can suddenly feel like an eternity when a stranger shares the ride with you. There is a list of unspoken rules of ones' appropriate elevator etiquette.

Rule #1: never make eye contact during the ride or departure

Rule #2: never speak, even to the people you do know, for the strangers may hear you

Rule #3: no physical contact with anyone in the elevator, even your spouse

Rule #4: do not act awkward or create potentially awkward moments. act as casually aloof and avoidable as possible, but do it naturally

Rule #5: nod and glance ALMOST in the eyes of the strangers only once in acknowledgment when first meeting, but no more than once

Rule #6: press your own floor button only once unless it is already pressed

Rule #7: do not attempt to press the "close door" button, for that may give the impression of rushing the awkward moment and therefore creating an even more awkward moment which violates Rule #4

Rule #8: exit as quickly as possible, but not so quickly as to make the stranger feel as if you didn't enjoy their company, therefore violating Rule #4 again

Rule #9: when entering an elevator with a stranger, quickly find the point furthest away from him or her, but casually as to avoid making them feel unwanted or even possibly violating Rule #4

Rule #10: find a place on the wall or door to look at and study, but not too long or else you will look like you're trying to avoid eye contact with the strangers, and therefore, you guessed it, violating Rule #4

Rule #11: do not smile. it will give the appearance of having an agenda and could create an awkward moment that may also involve making eye contact, which violates Rules #1 AND #4