leave and cleave: keeping marriage under the Chuppah of life

one of the things our pre-marital counselor shared with us has stuck with me. and that is the action of leaving and cleaving... and oh, how important that is... but did you know how strong those two words really mean?

To LEAVE

1) to leave, loose, forsake
to depart from, leave behind, leave, let alone
2) to leave, abandon, forsake, neglect, 

apostatise

(apostatise means to commit 

1 : renunciation of a religious faith 

or from Greek, literally, revolt, from aphistasthai, to revolt
2 : abandonment of a previous loyalty : defection)

3) to let loose, set free, let go, free
1) to be left to
2) to be forsaken
c) (Pual) to be deserted

to CLEAVE

1) to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to, overtake, catch
1) to cling, cleave to
2) to stay with
b) (Pual) to be joined together
1) to cause to cleave to
2) to pursue closely
3) to overtake

it is not so much that we should act as if our family and friends no longer exist.... that we shouldn't love and care about them... but we MUST.... leave and cleave. 

because we are beginning a new life, starting a new family, and our priorities, our affections, our pursuits, and our devotions are transferred from the old family unit to the new one we begin as a married couple. 

We can not be wishy-washy about this. we make a covenant before God to forsake all others and be united to this person, even unto death. a covenant is more than just a promise, it is a pact... a sacred agreement between you, God, and your spouse. and at that point, He brings the Chuppah over you, meaning He covers you and wraps you and your spouse up in a special bond, a special place that has no room for others-- no room for relatives, friends, co-workers, or even children. that place is your marriage. the great and mysterious gift that God gives his children... and that loyalty should never ever be put into question.

That was the highlight to Paul's speech on the proper roles and rites of a married couple in Ephesians chapter 5. The only time marriage is referred to as a "mystery" is here, every other mystery in the Bible refers to God and the Gospel.

Ephesians 5:31 has even more strong terms in the Greek/Hebrew:

LEAVE

a) to depart from, leave
c) to forsake, leave to one's self a person or thing by ceasing to care for it, to abandon, leave in the lurch
1) to be abandoned, forsaken
d) to cause to be left over, to reserve, to leave remaining
e) like our "leave behind", it is used of one who on being called away cannot take another with him
1) especially of the dying (to leave behind)
f) like our "leave", leave alone, disregard
1) of those who sail past a place without stopping

CLEAVE

1) to glue upon, glue to
2) to join one's self to closely, cleave to, stick to

To leave as if sailing past a port without stopping? To leave as if dying and leaving others behind? To disregard and no longer care for?

Some pretty harsh words, I would say. And some very very permanent!

In proverbs 30:18-19, it is explained as something too amazing to understand:

“There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden."

And this was said right before the chapter of a "woman of noble character" in Proverbs 31.

Harmony Watts wrote about her thoughts on the Chapter "Under the Chuppah" in Rob Bell's book, "Sex God":

"The chuppah is a sacred thing. It creates a sacred space, a space for just two people, who have chosen each other out of all the other people in the world. The chuppah represents commitment. It represents the sacredness of intimacy in marriage. It represents faith and trust and the submission of our autonomy in exchange for something God designed to be infinitely better. It represents all the reasons for which God created Eve. It represents the end of Adam's loneliness.

Even more striking, the chuppah could perhaps be seen as a representation of the greatest of all unions - humanity's with Jesus Christ. After all, Jesus claimed to have come to fulfill the Law of Moses. The chuppah is a representation of the convenant between God and Israel through that Law. The progression and connection seem clear.

On top of that, Jesus frequently compared his relationship with his church to a marriage."

Jonathan's sister, Rosanna, put it very simply and profoundly (for someone who has been married just a few weeks, I was amazed at the wisdom of this statement):

(I expanded on this, her version was much more concise)

Before we are married, 

Satan will do whatever it takes to bring a man and woman together--crossing lines and boundaries of intimacy, justifying and pushing limits to the point of impurity, lust, and sexual immorality.

Relationships are more often progress than regress. And it's much easier to proceed than rewind, is it not?

But after we are married,

Satan will do the exact opposite. 

He will try to keep them apart. Divide them, set them against each other, keep them from experiencing intimacy, honesty, wholeness, unity, and love and respect. He will create arguments, confusion, irritation, bring in other people to pull against their loyalty, distract them from God, keep them from communicating, keep them too busy to connect, and speak lies about themselves and each other. Whatever it takes to keep the family unit from functioning as God intended.

God was not wimpy in his statement, both at the very beginning in Genesis 2:24, and repeated by Jesus Himself in both Matthew 19:5 and Mark 10:7.  Then Paul restates it again in Ephesians 5:31. This is obviously an important part of transitioning into marriage. We can't ignore it.

Leave your old loyalties of family and friends, run from them, abandon them, and cling passionately, stick closely to your new loyalty: your spouse.

This is a heart matter. 

Do not invite the opinions and loyalties of others under the sacred Chuppah of marriage. For if you do, you are inviting divisions, confusions, and trouble upon your relationship with your spouse. 

It is not that we shouldn't seek advice and wisdom from others, nor hide ourselves away in our own little love bubble. It is important to be a part of our families and friend's lives! God's heart is for PEOPLE!

But after God, your spouse is first. That means, coming to them before going to another. Being honest and vulnerable instead of just venting about your spouse to others. Making decisions together not independently, making them priority above all things, including work, ministry, children, family, and friends.

Keep it under the Chuppah. Keep it between a man and his wife.

God is very clear: leave and cleave.